Is Your Ex Still Controlling You? (Part Two)
Last time we discussed ways an ex-spouse or ex-"significant other" can affect you by expressing opinions that you may actually still be considering as factual.
Today, we're going to dive deeper. Just because you may be wise to the words your ex may use, what about his or her potentially manipulative actions? Some of that stuff is a lot more subtle.
By getting you to buy in to reacting to certain actions on his or her part, an ex-spouse holds the potential of staying in a control position with you for months, years or even decades after the break-up happens.
This, of course, is the proverbial Thing That Must Not Be. But you know that without me telling you?right? Okay then, let's see to stopping it.
Take a look at the limited list of possible situations below, and think carefully about if and how any of the "subtleties" described affect you-and to what extent:
1) Manipulation through planting "issue landmines"
A real landmine works by inflicting explosive destruction whatever triggers it by crossing its path. Your ex can figuratively do this by creating "issues" that appear to demand your attention. Often, this is done in an attempt to divert energy, inflict hardship or even simply to rattle you.
Anytime something comes up courtesy of your ex that could have been easily dealt with by the ex him/herself without your help, introduces complexity with questionable necessity and/or is presented with extreme urgency (i.e. "You have to do this RIGHT NOW.") you now know what you are looking at.
Examples include calls about something received in the mail, rumors and/or "rumors of rumors" (or any other such gossip-fed nonsense), disputes about where certain "community property" items are (especially small, cheap ones), unnecessary legal wranglings, etc.
2) Manipulation THROUGH the kids, or manipulation OF the kids
To many, this is the lowest form of skullduggery. But it goes on nonetheless, doesn't it? Any time an ex-spouse brings the children into any differences ex-spouses have between each other, it's flat-out manipulative. Children can be involved in an effort to either send you messages and/or gain information about you to be used against you when/if appropriate. Sometimes your ex may want to try to rattle you by making sure the kids tell you certain things. Other times, they can be coached to glean info from you that will be "downloaded" when they are with the other parent again.
There is no easy answer for how to handle this brand of manipulation since it can take so many forms, and such is probably the realm of a completely different type of professional. But regardless, your ability to recognize that it's going on and be wary of it is a big part of making sure it ends.
The absolute low point is when an ex does the unthinkable and coaches your son or daughter to think poorly of you. Rest assured, kids are typically way better at things like reading intentions and drawing their own conclusions than we give them credit for. As such, these tactics will likely not work if you are a good parent.
3) Manipulation of the schedule
If you are involved in court proceedings with your ex, be vigilant towards any ?accidental' coincidences in court scheduling that result in your extreme inconvenience. They may not have been accidental.
More typically, however, this factor revolves around the kids. The further Mom and Dad live away from each other the easier it is for one ex to control the other with the schedule.
Perhaps it's a last-minute announcement that something "came up" that precludes you from seeing the children this weekend. I've even heard stories of dads being stood up completely when going to pick up children hundreds of miles away, because the ex "forgot".
If both parents live in the same city, maybe there's a call requesting "extra time" this week. If granted, it morphs into more frequent requests until you have significantly less time with the kids?and which you are the "bad guy" for putting the kibosh on eventually.
You get the idea. Don't put up with it.
4) Manipulation by weakness / eliciting pity
My favorite example of this is the story of the guy who still answers calls from the ex wife or girlfriend to come over and help her change light bulbs, cut the grass, remove spiders, or whatever.
Matter of fact, that's the only example I need. You get it.
And, oh yeah, men can do it too.
5) Manipulation by distraction
Anything that takes your focus away from what is important to you and redirects it towards what is important to your ex (or not important AT ALL) falls into this category. Your ex spouse may deflect a real issue with a subject-changing tactic, or may be attempting to keep you from moving on in your life however s/he can.
The first example that comes to mind of the latter motive is a repeated tendency on the part of an ex to call the other at 9.45 on Friday and Saturday nights, when a date might be (or should be?) happening.
OK, so we have the obvious verbal opinions from Part One and now the more subtle manipulative tactics out there on the table also , don't we?
If you, the reader, are going to DESERVE WHAT YOU WANT you clearly have to be strong enough to recognize destructive opinions and tactics and not fall prey to them. Work on that if you don't have it handled just yet.
And if you have some ideas you think I forgot to mention and should have, send them on over.
Now I'm going to drop a bomb.
It is arguably even more important that you check yourself to make sure YOU are not DISHING OUT anything on this menu either towards your ex. (How's that for a plot complication?) Are you the one saying destructive things or acting with dark motives? Do you justify it as "responding in kind"?
If you have fallen into this trap, be advised: you are not meting out justice. You are sinking to your ex's potentially destructive level. And it will hurt you. What we're talking about here is LETTING GO and MOVING ON. Both exes must succeed in doing this. It's all part of you being able to be the kind of person who deserves to not have history repeat itself the next time around. You learn how to spot the destructive behavior and resist it so you are not affected by negative energy as you seek to move on with your life.
That's easy to see.
You refrain from partaking in this negative form of lashing out yourself so that you will be a strong, effective, healthy, mentally alert and ATTRACTIVE partner to your future spouse.
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Scot McKay's dating strategies for those who refuse to settle for anything less than the ULTIMATE relationship are found at: http://www.relationship-advice.us/. Stop by right now and grab a FREE e-book ($20 value) when you sign up for the X & Y Communications Newsletter, which is always packed with unique and practical dating tips.
Love Symbol
Over the centuries various love symbols have been used to represent, express and signify love. Love symbols are known to bring more love into your life. Ancient love symbols in combination with stones are believed to contain love energies which help in seeking love. Traditions, charms, symbols and legends have grown out of these ancient love symbols.
The Claddagh is an Irish love symbol. The Claddagh is a ring which illustrates two hands holding a heart that is wearing a crown. The Irish symbol of love came from the town of Claddagh. It has two symbols portraying love and friendship. The two hands holding the heart depicts friendship whereas the heart with the crown demonstrates love. The crown represents loyalty. These days Claddagh is worn to signify the marital status of the wearer. If the ring is on the left hand, that signifies a happy married life and if the ring is found to be on the right hand then it states that the person wearing it is still single. This passionate love symbol abides a message which reads as, “with these hands I give you my heart and I crown it with love”. Another very thrilling and adorable love symbol is the Welsh Love Spoon, a decorative spoon carved out of wood. A fairly accurate forecast has confirmed that this wonderful, exhilarating love symbol Welsh Love Spoon has been discovered on 16th century approximately. These were commonly made out of sycamore as to ensure the wood was free of blemishes. The Welsh Love Spoon actually symbolizes the desire to help the person you really care for.
Crystals are another eminent and inspiring love symbol that has opened the canal to let love move freely to human hearts. The heart shaped crystals traditionally promulgate the celestial love. Besides, there are some gem stones which also connote symbol of love. Rose quartz heart, goldstone heart, selenite heart, jade heart and love stones pouch are some of the gem stones known to have acquired a unique place among the love symbols. All these love gem stones propagate love in one’s soul thereby increasing the passion for love. The love energies embedded in these gem stones rekindles lost love; find the love you are in quest of, unite with your love during times of your physical separation and also perk up your love knot. The moonstone is assumed to bring love, spirituality and serenity into one’s life. These love symbols are aligned with your predominant love desires for the present time. The tree of life is one of the oldest and popular known love symbol known to man. It is mentioned in the Bible in Genesis. The tree of life is also sculptured on paintings, carvings and is also mentioned in writings. It is accrued in a lovely polished stone. Each leaf is a small gem stone attached my hand. Each Tree of Life is exclusive and a work of art.
Take some simplest known love symbols such as flowers for instance. Roses are the most admired and common among all flowers also a mesmerizing token of love. White rose symbolizes true love and purity of mind whereas red rose denotes love and passion. Another very powerful yet endearing love symbol is the cupid. Cupid is the mischievous son of the goddess of love, Lord Venus and is held responsible in influencing two individuals to fall in love with each other. According to legendary myths, he is believed to shot the hearts of two individuals with his arrows making them fall in love. Love knots are also very significant love symbols in Arab traditions and are strictly practiced by Muslim women even today. Young Muslim girls used to send their pledges of love fibered in the knots of a carpet to their lovers. Another very striking and reminiscent love symbol is love birds and doves. The sweet little blue colored love birds have come to signify this belief. There is a proverb that the love birds cannot stay without their mates. Dove, in Christian belief denotes purity, humbleness and virtue. Other love symbols that are clear and noticeable includes Rosemary, Mistletoe, wedding rings, heart pierced by an arrow, chocolates and Osram Ne Nsoroma.
Explore the love symbol and choose the one that matches your desire. Valentine beckons an ostentatious and terrifically wondrous symbol of love. It delineates a fervent portrayal of love and it is treasured globally by everyone who believes in love. Introduce yourself to a new world of divine love and throw away all the panic-stricken misgivings with the help of these enchanting love symbols.
About the Author...........
Anna Jones writes on
Love Ecardsand Relationships.She also writes on Wedding and
Anniversary Ideas. She is an
active blogger and can be found at Bliss Weddings Blog
Is Your Ex Still Controlling You? (Part One)
Your ex's opinion no longer counts. As if it ever did. No kidding.
Now don't get me wrong. Having been married for almost eight years, being divorced involved breaking some hard habits.
For a while there I still referred to her as "my wife�er, I mean my ex-wife".
I still parked on the right hand side of the garage. And slept on the left hand side of the bed. And made sure the seat was down.
And I remember being held hostage to the negative thoughts and beliefs planted in my head by my ex over the years about who I was and what I was about. That was an unreasonable state of affairs, so I stopped it.
I make it sound easy, don't I? It's not. And it's not for other people either.
I mean think about it�having been involved in an actual, outright marriage isn't even necessary. Some of what I'm talking about today can present itself even when a dating relationship falls apart.
Sure, once someone close to you has been able to convince you about certain things, it's hard to change. But the most outrageous part about this phenomenon is, of course, the potential for CONTINUATION of the pattern even after the relationship is over!
How in the world does this go on? I mean sure�there was a time in every marriage or other long-term relationship, presumably, when there was some teamwork and both partners seemed to be thinking and acting in each others' best interests. But perhaps not so much after a while, thereby contributing to the breakup. So who are we to think that the opinions of our EX have anything at all to do with our best interests after ultimately parting ways?
After a divorce, you've just got to move on. A big part of that is becoming FREE of the influences and opinions of your EX-spouse. The symptoms of failure to free oneself like you need to do can present themselves in direct or more subtle ways.
Ironically, carrying on this sort of controlling activity can be important to your ex either because s/he wants to make you "pay" or because s/he wants to eventually win you back. Equally ironic is the reality that it doesn't matter which reason it is-you want to be unfettered by it.
As Part One, let's look at the direct, spoken opinions your ex may have, and get to the bottom of what the symptoms of taking your ex's opinions seriously can look like.
1) Opinions about your worthiness to attract another partner
Considering you once attracted the bearer of such an opinion, this strongly points to lack of self-esteem, doesn't it? More precisely, your ex is likely dealing with painful thoughts related to the inevitability of your finding someone else. The obvious strategy here is to plant thoughts in your head to inhibit that from happening, or at least put it off until you wake up and STOP letting him/her control you.
So, um�wake up.
2) Opinions about your ability to exist without the ex-spouse's support
Any comments projecting failure upon you as a result of the marriage's end or ramifications thereof should be summarily ignored. Such views are merely symptomatic of a manipulative or even vengeful mindset.
3) Opinions about why the marriage broke up
The marriage is over, and it's time to move on. Do not let someone else, namely your ex, help you continue reliving the pain and/or hashing it out. Move on.
4) Opinions about what you should be doing now
Whatever "advice" your ex is giving you, think long and hard about whether it is being offered in your best interest. It would take an extraordinarily evolved view on the part of an ex-spouse to take a sincere interest in the future success of the other. I mean, it can happen�but remember, the relationship FAILED, so isn't today's input on success a day late and a dollar short?
5) Opinions about what s/he is doing now
Well there are two choices here, depending on what emotional response on your part is desired. If the ex is hurt, you can be sure you'll hear about all the destructive junkets, sexcapades, etc. and why YOU are the cause of the painful results. Or, if the coin flips the other way, why YOU could have prevented all of it from going on "had you known a good thing when you saw it".
Possibly, if his or her motive is to get you back, you'll hear about the wholesale life changes and improvements backed by an exhortation of how you shouldn't be "missing out" on it.
Don't let it get to you. That's not an option.
Enough for now.
Next time, in Part Two, we'll take a look at the more subtle side of the equation: how your ex can more subjectively continue to influence or even control you in oh-so-subtle ways.
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Scot McKay's dating strategies for those who refuse to settle for anything less than the ULTIMATE relationship are found at: http://www.relationship-advice.us/. Stop by right now and grab a FREE e-book ($20 value) when you sign up for the X & Y Communications Newsletter, which is always packed with unique and practical dating tips.
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